I don’t think I’ve ever known what love really is. The closest I come to having is wanting to please the person I’ve admired for years. But even then, I knew something was different.
Whenever I see him before, I choose to stay where he is. I’d choose to talk to him and spend time with him instead of going home early. Whenever he was waiting for someone important, I’d tell him I’d wait with him just because I want to. I knew something was wrong when even after being with him, I feel nothing. He made jokes beside me and my mind was blank. Was I supposed to laugh? I asked myself. He was very corny. He told me stories and I shared some of mine too. Still, I feel this gap in my chest. Like something is missing.
When I learned all I can about him, I find myself growing bored. So what? I asked. What then will I do? Do I want to be with him? Sure.
But I keep on looking for reasons as to why I want to.
I’m not really sure. But anything that doesn’t make sense agitates me. It makes me uncomfortable and impatient. Sadly, emotions are irrational, probably why they don’t sit well with me.
I don’t know if this is what you call someone who has a commitment-phobia or philophobia. I mean, I want to feel something. I’m not exactly afraid of it. In fact, I crave it. I want to take care of someone and be taken care of. I want to love and be loved. The problem is I can’t feel it.
I can’t even explain it.
I can’t feel normally. It’s like whenever an emotion arises from within me, I know, for example, that what I’m feeling is sadness but then there’s this part of me that’s detached, not really feeling, just watching the sadness cover my mind.
And I go, “oh okay. I think I’m sad.”
Of course, I cry. But only if I will it. Only if I let the pain affect me. Other than that, my mind questions my emotions. It doesn’t make sense, you see, to cry over someone who ignored you, for example. I mean, what caused the pain? Why was I hurt?
And oh, there I go again and again questioning myself.
Until I can no longer feel anything.
Control your mind before it controls you, they say. But what if the more you control it, the more you actually condition it, thereby, controlling you more in the future.