Still Not Over You

I want out.

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I thought I was already done with you.

I thought I have already moved on.

But if yes, then tell me what was that wave of feelings that rushed in me awhile ago?

When I saw your name
When I saw you call her
When she replied with love
And you reciprocated further

Tell me, please tell me because I cannot breathe. I have watched multiple comedy shows and distracted myself enough. I have tried crushing on boys whom I found attractive and nice.

Still, whenever I see you, I feel tears on my eyes.

Will this feeling never really go away? Am I just hiding it? Are they just… buried? And that, what, they’re still actually there?

Please no. Please leave me. Please, oh please, have mercy on me.

My heart breaks every time, just every time, I see you, feel you, hear your name, or just simply hear you.

My emotions drag me deep, down under, pulling me back to the past that I have escaped from.

This is not healthy, I know. But I tried my best.

I know I did.

I have spent countless hours on psychology books trying to scientifically maneauver my way out of this. Drowning myself on rational thoughts, I believed in the possibility that I am now officially over you.

Maybe I never was.

Maybe I never will.

But I’m praying I’ll get to see the day when I’ll wonder why I ever thought I won’t.

There is a reason for everything, they say. But we seem to just go in circles. Or maybe that’s exactly his purpose –to go around and back when I seem to have forgotten my lesson.

Getting Over, Getting Lost

Being free from crushes isn’t what I thought it would be.

I thought I won’t get over you.

I thought fate was cruel that I have to keep on seeing you again and again– always at the same time of the year.

Then he came.

One day, I realized someone else was occupying my mind and I wasn’t interested with how you were doing anymore.

But another problem came. He wasn’t the type of guy I wanted to like.

He was dangerous, so to speak, the type of guy who plays in the field.

And so this became another situation where I wanted out.

Yesterday, when I saw him again, I realized I don’t care about him anymore. And then I realized I don’t care about the two of you anymore.

It was freedom! I knew it was.

So tell me, why do I feel so lost?

But what if… I just like the idea of having someone?