Still Not Over You

I want out.

I thought I was already done with you.

I thought I have already moved on.

But if yes, then tell me what was that wave of feelings that rushed in me awhile ago?

When I saw your name
When I saw you call her
When she replied with love
And you reciprocated further

Tell me, please tell me because I cannot breathe. I have watched multiple comedy shows and distracted myself enough. I have tried crushing on boys whom I found attractive and nice.

Still, whenever I see you, I feel tears on my eyes.

Will this feeling never really go away? Am I just hiding it? Are they just… buried? And that, what, they’re still actually there?

Please no. Please leave me. Please, oh please, have mercy on me.

My heart breaks every time, just every time, I see you, feel you, hear your name, or just simply hear you.

My emotions drag me deep, down under, pulling me back to the past that I have escaped from.

This is not healthy, I know. But I tried my best.

I know I did.

I have spent countless hours on psychology books trying to scientifically maneauver my way out of this. Drowning myself on rational thoughts, I believed in the possibility that I am now officially over you.

Maybe I never was.

Maybe I never will.

But I’m praying I’ll get to see the day when I’ll wonder why I ever thought I won’t.

There is a reason for everything, they say. But we seem to just go in circles. Or maybe that’s exactly his purpose –to go around and back when I seem to have forgotten my lesson.

“Meant to be” or aren’t we?

We were meant to cross paths but fate has other plans.

When I entered the room, I felt an electric spark in the air. I don’t know where it came from. There were a lot of people that day and I didn’t see you… yet.
I listened to the speaker in front, completely unaware of my surroundings. But I can feel it. I can feel the underlying current, small but distinguishable.

I went home without any answers. That may just be my adrenaline talking after all, but months after, in that same room, I suddenly saw you.

It was when you entered the room and smiled that captured me. You were so familiar to me… yet so new. It was the first time I laid eyes on you but I knew something was different that time.

We got to know each other and talked. Slowly, but surely, I was breaking your walls until time came when we got to hang out together outside the room where we met.

I learned your number, you told me where you live, your sickness, and more. You learned about the petty details of my life, my number, and you even asked where I lived.

I thought there was something, alas. This was what I have been feeling, I said. The first time I saw you in the room, I knew we were meant to be.

But months came and went. You and I grew distant from each other. You went your way and I walked towards mine. We were studying different things, you see and I thought, hey, maybe we’re just both prioritizing our studies instead of these feelings.

And then for six months I didn’t see you. I gave up. Maybe I saw wrong. Maybe I was delusional.

During the seventh month, I was walking down the hallway when you suddenly turned around the corner and walked towards me.

My eyes widened.

“Hello,” I said. We looked at each other and laughed. But you were going somewhere important and I as well. Once again, we went our separate ways.

But always. Always, we’d meet. In that place… at a certain time, everyday we’d see each other and smile.

I was okay. I was content. I didn’t need a relationship. I was happy just to see you there, to see that our paths keep on crossing and that maybe it meant one day, when the time is right, we’ll be together.

I was patient.

For six months, again, I didn’t see you. But I was fine. I knew I’d see you again someday.

Well, that someday wasn’t that far. On the seventh month I saw you again. I was walking down the street when you suddenly turned on the corner.

Our paths crossed… again. We greeted each other… again. We were given time to talk to each other yet again.

I thought, this was turning out to be a cycle.

But this time, it was different. You were distant and your smile was strange to me.

Why were you no longer familiar? And then I saw you with her.

That’s when I understood.

But still I smiled. Still, we talked. But inside I was crying. What are the odds that for three consecutive years we’d meet this way?

What if this continued? What if it turns out to be a cycle? What if we were meant to meet over and over again?

But we weren’t meant to be together?

I told you I liked you. Therefore, I cannot say I wasted my chance. I did my best thrice. I guess you really just weren’t meant to be mine.