To the Girl who Initiated

“I’m afraid to lose him so I did everything I can to make him realize he wants me too! I texted him first, called him first… even if he doesn’t respond as much” Oh, so brave, yet so foolish.

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I have two letters for you — two messages:

1. You love him. Isn’t that what matters? You added him first on social medias, you texted him first, but so what? You only followed your heart. Only a few people can do that. You embraced every possible negative outcome hoping for the best because you feared more the possibility of missing out the chance of being with him. At least you know it won’t work, right? At least, you tried. And what have you lost, really? Sure, you learned what it feels like to wait for a message you were never sure to receive but you learned how to be brave, honest, and completely open. Plus, you even gained a friend! (Didn’t he greet you on your birthday, you lucky b?) You shared stories and learned even a little of each other’s lives. You broke his walls, you brave, forward girl. Look at all those who cannot even come close to him.

2. In the process, you broke yourself. If he really wanted you, he would’ve done everything just to be with you right now. Why were you so stupid? It’s obvious he didn’t like you but there you were greeting him constantly, taking up his time like he was yours already, messaging him like you two were already so close. What did you do? What were you thinking? Sure, you became friends but look, now you can’t even unfriend him online to avoid seeing posts of him with his new girlfriend. Did you really think initiating was a good idea? And what was your excuse? That he was probably shy and not ready that was why you started the chase? No, you stupid, innocent girl. There is no “shy” or “not ready” when it comes to relationships. He just didn’t want you. I mean just look at him now. He has a girlfriend.

Yes, I have two messages for you.

And I don’t know which one to give.

Do everything to be with the guy you want or do nothing and let him make the move. What if, either way, the ending remains the same, that is, you won’t end up with him? What will you do?

The Show

When a guy flirts with you, it’s a game. When he flirts with everyone, it’s a show. Do you want to be part of the cast?

He knew my name before I even told him and I knew his before we even talked. We greeted each other and conversed. We even sat side by side and played.

At first, I thought, it was a game.

I don’t usually recognize signs of flirting when it happens to me but I do know a flirt once I laid eyes on the person.

And I knew he’s one.

But I defended him. I thought, hey, maybe he was just misunderstood. Because the way he looked at me made me feel special and I was ready to conclude others are just delusional.

Can’t they see? I’m the one he likes! He wasn’t a flirt. He’s just friendly! I mean look, he was shy and hesitant only to me.

But one day, I realized I was the one who couldn’t see clearly.

Apparently, every girl whom he interacted with had felt special. They all think they were treated differently. I even heard someone ask, “why is he so awkward around me?” And I knew by her words she also thought he saw her differently.

I guess we all thought he was shy around us. We all thought we were different.

We all thought we were the “exception.”

One day, I just snapped. There, in front view, he flirted with another one. I’ve only heard stories about him before and I was willing to doubt them but seeing him do what he was rumored about was a completely different story.

Yes, he flirted with her. Every move made my blood boil. It’s not so much because I was beginning to like him, more so because I felt manipulated into thinking there was something with the way he looked at me before and then learning afterwards that he looked at others the same way.

I then decided to detach myself. This is no longer a game, I say. He was putting on a face and an act behind that innocent smile.

This is a show.

I laughed. Bitterness pouring all over my body. This cannot be, but please, don’t stop now. The show must go on, right?

With all the willing actresses out there, I’m sure you won’t miss me.

I’ll be at the back seat, watching.

I believed in you but you proved them right.

Nobody cares vs I don’t care

But it’s funny isn’t it? If you think about it, happiness is the cause of sadness. If you don’t have any expectations from situations, you wouldn’t be disappointed about anything.

I’m not in the mood right now.

My head is throbbing and my shoulders are aching. I don’t even know how to describe my heart. It’s like a hand is squeezing it and then by doing so, something flew out and blocked my lungs.

I can’t breathe. I’m gasping for air.

I called out to my best-friend but I think I just made her mad. I called out to my other friends but it seems like nobody really cares nor likes what I did yesterday. And then every negative thing that happened so far in my life just started appearing one by one.

Nobody loves me. Or I guess everybody is busy trying to find love from others as well. But the more I dwell on these thoughts, the more they disgust me.

Seeking approval? From others? How completely nauseating. I am not this person. I refuse to be this person because it doesn’t make any sense and I pride myself on being a rational person. I’m not hurt. I shouldn’t be hurt. Why am I hurt just because some people ignored me? Why does it pain me to see them be happy because of reasons other than me?

Why am I seeking so much attention as if it is the only thing that can grant me happiness?

A question I’ve asked myself over and over again for the past years is “why care?”

And oh, if I can, how I would love not to care about anything anymore.

My mind is eating me but I need it to turn the situation around.